I would feel really bad if I didn't try to write something at least remotely silly for April Fools' Day, but all of these are for real. Here's a whole crapload of links that were going around this week, as narrated by the link subjects themselves:
Joe Borchard: Hey, check this shit out. I can totally mash. Good thing Reed's wrist is broken and I'll get the starting centerfield job.
Jeremy Reed: Bite me. My wrist isn't broken. You suck less than Thornton, though.
Matt Thornton: I don't suck! Your pitching coaches are idiots! I'm going to be the next Randy Johnson after all!
Randy Johnson: You want to be me? Fine, but I highly suggest not getting some psycho chick pregnant who will keep trying to get more money out of you for a daughter you have been pretending doesn't exist for the last sixteen years.
Tug McGraw's Ghost: Randy, dude, you are totally going to regret it if your illegitimate kid turns out to be a huge country star. Maybe you should talk to her.
The rest of the world: What part of "she looks like Randy Johnson" doesn't make you automatically feel really bad for her and/or wonder if she's draft-eligible? And does she have a mullet?
Pirates fans: Speaking of mullets, I heard a crazy rumor that the Mariners want to trade Joel Pineiro for Craig Wilson?
Bill Bavasi: Fuck no.
Tom Goyne: Mullets? Mullets? Hey, did you ever notice that Sal Fasano looks like Lawrence from Office Space?
Phlogosphere: No, but we did notice that Ryan Franklin is kind of like Milton Waddams when he gets moved off the rotation. "Yeeeeaaah, hiiiiiii... I'm gonna need you to move your desk down to the bullpen... and you're going to have to give me your stapler..."
McSweeney's: Hey, did someone say "Spiroid"? We totally have the funniest steroids-related musical of the year here. Infact, if you're going to only read one steroids-related musical this year, this is the one for you!
Gomez: But if you're going to listen to only one complete wacko of a pitcher give a radio interview, then this interview with Zack Greinke is for you. Funniest shit ever. Did you know he punched a car when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up? Dude sounds like freakin' Napoleon Dynamite.
Bat-Girl: Well, gosh, then, I wonder what he'll think when he finds out that Kris and Anna are getting divorced. Poor dears.
Eddie Guardado: It's okay, Bat-Girl, I will cheer you up with my wacky antics!
The Onion: So will we! We have a haiku for you, even:
A. J. offensive?
Johnny Damon shoulders blame,
Ichiro in bloom.
Okay, sorry, this is where it breaks down and I can't work these into dialogue much more.
Some shuffling took place on the Mariners roster in the last day or two, as we snagged Guillermo Quiroz from Toronto off waivers and as such ended up returning Luis Gonzalez to the Dodgers. We also pawned off Cody Ransom to the Astros for a king's ransom! ...well, a Burger King's ransom, that is.
Grady Sizemore became Sixmore when he signed a six-year contract extension, which may or may not have come with a six-year restraining order on anyone wearing a t-shirt that says "Mrs. Sizemore".
Bronson Arroyo, after going from the Red Sox to the Reds, made the former look very red when he tossed seven shutout innings against them. The funny part is, aside from it being a C on the hat instead of a B, does he really look that different at all?
You may or may not know that I greatly dislike Julian Tavarez, so it gives me great pleasure to see him suspended for ten days after getting into another brawl.
Have I mentioned recently that I really like Jason Bay? It could bear mentioning again. On the other hand, I'm going on a trip to Pittsburgh in a few weeks for a college reunion, and I found out that the Pirates-Cubs game I wanted to attend is on another freaking JASON BAY BOBBLEHEAD NIGHT which means that PNC Park will be packed with BOBBLEHEAD-GANKING BEER-CHUGGING YINZERS. I don't know which I dislike more, the bobbleheads themselves or the buttheads who trample each other trying to get them.
Speaking of fun promotions, save the date now - the second annual Stitch'n'Pitch seems to be tentatively scheduled for July 25th. If you're in the Bay Area, the group special events page for the Giants also lists them as having Stitch'n'Pitch night on July 20th (me, I'm more interested in their Japanese baseball cap night).
Uh, speaking of Japanese stuff, my favorite submarine pitcher Shunsuke Watanabe apparently went and launched his own web site recently. It's pretty amusing; I mostly love the fact that the domain is "submarine-31". I really love these player sites. They're interesting, and fun reading practice for me. Plus, Shun-kun has the funniest beer can picture ever.
And in case anyone's wondering, the Rakuten Eagles actually won a game! It only took them losing 5 in a row first. Maybe they'll win another game next week, too! At this rate, they're set to win about 25 games this year!
I think I'm done now.