Thursday, May 04, 2006

My Mother Needs Help

(You can interpret that post title many ways, yes.)

See, I could talk about how great it was how the Mariners almost won the game today, until Teddy Beardado went and threw some fluff at Pablo Ozuna, who slammed it over the wall for his very very first career home run and tied the game, which we subsequently lost 5-6 in the 11th inning. Or I could talk about how totally awesome Joe Crede is, especially when he does stuff like hit grand slams. Or I could mention that someone's really got to explain how the whole "closer" thing doesn't mean "make the score closer" to Eddie, and how you need to actually get the last three outs of the ninth inning, not only two, in order to win the game, and all.

But I won't. Instead, I'm going to talk to you about a little issue I'm having with my mom.

You see, a few months ago, I found myself in the Build-a-Bear up in Alderwood Mall, with some other friends, and I ended up making a Mariners bear, complete with bear-sized uniform and "Take me Out To The Ballgame" sound chip in his left paw. Those of you who've been around Marinerds for a while may or may not remember the whole bear-building escapade, when I brought home Bearemy Reed. Anyway, that cute fluffy southpaw is still sitting on my shelf where he can watch me cursing at my computer as the Mariners screw up yet another game. Fortunately, I don't think he's picked up any new bearwords.

My mother is a teddy bear collector. I mean, she has a specific "bear room" in her house for all of them, and I think she even has some sort of "official obsessive-compulsive bear freak" card from Boyd's Bears or whatever. It's pretty scary. Now see, my mom's the one who got me into baseball as a kid; she had the season ticket plan to the Phillies, and took me and my brother to games every Sunday at the Vet. (Yes, she has several stuffed Phillie Phanatics, too, before you ask.) When she saw that I'd done a Build-a-Bear baseball bear, of course she had to go find a Build-a-Bear near her and make one too -- but since she lives in Virginia now, she's decided to be a turncoat and go root for those Washington Nationals. So here's her furry friend:

Nats Bear
Apparently, this is a "Cocoa Bear". It's a
shame my mom doesn't live in Boston.

Anyway, you're not going to believe the retarded name my mom came up with for this poor sucker fluffy basebear:

Jose Guillenbear.

I'm really sorry, but there HAS to be a better name than that. Right? Maybe? I'm not entirely sure, but I'm doing what I can. I've been looking at the Nats roster though, and not very much jumps out to me:

- Livan Bearnandez
- Chad Corbearo
- Jason Beargmann
- Grizzly Majewski (or maybe Beary Majewski)
- Fluffy LeCroy
- Marlon Bear
- Alfuzzo Furriano
- Bearyle Ward

Why can't baseball players nowadays just make this easy on us and have names like Stuffy McInnis?

It should also be noted that unlike my Beariner, my mom's bear is not a southpaw.

I think I'm going to try to sell her on Livan Bearnandez as the name. At the very least, I'm hoping I can convince her that "Jose Guillenbear" is a stupid name. Heck, even "Fuzzy Guillen" would be better, although that sort of evokes a certain White Sox manager, I think.

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