Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Lew's On First

The Mariners-Twins game today was a battle of the lefties -- J-Rod the Washburninator vs. El Presidente. Both of them were actually pretty good overall, but both of them had brief lapses of "Hits for Everyone! Wheeee!" times, and J-Rod's was just much more prolonged and painful than Santana's, thus resulting in the Twins winning the game 5-1.

Santana started off the game with his serving of hits, as Ichiro tripled, Willie Bloomquist drove him in on a single, and Ibanez followed it up with a single. Then, suddenly, he realized: "Wait a minute. I am Johan Santana, Destroyer of Worlds. I don't give up hits, I strike out everyone in sight. Duhhhhh." So he struck out Richie, Carl, and Beltre in a row, and then came back to the dugout and said, "None of you saw those first three batters, right? We cool?"

Jarrod Washburn got through the first inning just fine, but he hit the bottom of the second and suddenly started giving up hits left and right (and center). Leeewwwww singled. Morneau singled. Even Tony Batista singled. Rondell White doubled. Little Nicky Punto singled. It was a veritable hit parade. Shannon Stewart grounded into a double play, but by the time the dust had settled, the Twins were up 4-1.

Then nothing happened for a very long time and I went home from work, and by the time I checked the score again, the game was over and the Twins had won it. It appears that Sean Green got to make his MLB debut in the 8th inning though, so good for him.

I had this momentary flash of, er, brilliance, when I realized Lew got a single, White got a double, Ichiro had gotten a triple... obviously this calls for a new comedy duo named Everett And Castillo, to do their rendition of the classic routine, "Lew's on First":

Everett: You take these Twins, they've got such bizarre nicknames these days thanks to Bat-Girl. I can't keep track of who anyone is anymore.
Castillo: Yeah, I guess. Let's see, Lew's on first, White's on second, Ichiro's on third...
Everett: Wait, tell me about the guy on first.
Castillo: Lew.
Everett: The guy who just singled.
Castillo: Lew.
Everett: He nearly decapitated Betancourt.
Castillo: Lew is on first.
Everett: White's on second?
Castillo: Yes.
Everett: Yes is on second?
Castillo: No, White's on second.
Everett: And Ichiro?
Castillo: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
Everett: Now how did I get on third?
Castillo: Why, you said his name.
Everett: If I said his name, wouldn't Lew be on third?
Castillo: Lew's on first.
Everett: Wait, so if I stole the shoes of the guy on first, I'd have whose shoes?
Castillo: Lew's.
Everett: I lose?
Castillo: No, Lew's.
Everett: So I win?
Castillo: No, Winn isn't even at this ballgame. The shoes are Lew's.
Everett: I thought Shouse was playing for Texas.
Castillo: Oh my god, this joke is so lame. Go suck a dinosaur.

Then again, maybe this is just what happens to my brain when it can't take watching Washburn get hit like a printer in Office Space.

Speaking of getting hit, my favorite ex-Pirate Jason Kendall beat the crap out of John Lackey today. Wheeeee. Check out the video in this recap. Now, not that I'm in favor of these sorts of things, but that's a pretty entertaining brawl, relatively. Don't mess with Kendall, yo.

And speaking of Pirates, Zach Duke pitched a complete game shutout of the Cubs, and the Pirates scored 8 runs, which probably used up most of their run-scoring karma for the whole week. Oops. I guess the rest of their rotation will also have to pitch shutouts.

Have you all been reading Baseball Between the Numbers? Are you ready to come hang out and discuss it this Saturday?

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