Thadeuz?

Orioles 14, Mariners 4.

There's a ball club in our town
It's run by a clown
They can't keep the baseball down
And you can see them frown!

When they get some guys on base,
They never let them score,
They just hit the ball all wrong,
And as they strike out more, they tell you,

"Yes! We can't hit Halamas,
We can't hit Halamas today.
Not Williams, or Loewens,
Nor Brittons, nor Hawkins.
We can't put the ball in play.
We have no home runs by Ibanez
Instead there's grand slams by Hernandez, ah,
Yes, we can't hit Halamas
We can't hit Halamas today."

Scoring got so close for them that they called to the pen,
"Send me Putz (or Woods or Green), we're catching up again."
When they got up to the mound, there was no Yu Bet
Sure, they gave up those nine runs, but how could we forget
The team said

"Yes, we can't hit Halamas.
We can't hit Halamas today.
Sure, get Petagine,
But just like Joh-jimi,
He can't put the ball in play.
We'll walk Millar, Lopez, and Mora
With runs they get to scora,
Right, yes, we can't hit Halamas.
We can't hit Halamas today."

(to the tune of Yes! We have no Bananas, by Frank Silver and Irving Cohn.)

(Post title a reference to the 2001 Mariners commercial First Names.)