Trade Array

Deanna's take on various trades, which have absolutely no bearing on reality or the standings, but just random thoughts, going from this list:

Mariners
Managed to acquire both parts of the Broussard/Perez platoon. Got rid of Carl Everett. This is sort of like being on Sesame Street and kicking out Oscar the Grouch and replacing him with that two-headed monster that would sound out parts of compound words slowly until they came together. "Pen... ant. Pen? ...Ant! Pen...ant. Pen-ant. PENNANT!"

Rangers
In a classic case of "Needs arm, gets bat", the Rangers' major additions were Carlos Lee and Matt Stairs... and Kip Wells. Thus, all I can say is that they are DOOOOMED. I mean, what were they thinking -- they pick up the DH from the worst team in the AL and the #5 starter from the worst team in the NL? I know Carlos Lee kicks ass and all, but it's sort of like buying an extremely expensive designer dress and then trying to accessorize it at Goodwill. This generally doesn't work; and I'm pretty sure most GMs can't pull it off, with the exception of Billy Beane, and when's the last time you saw any of the A's in high heels? (Besides rookie hazing day, of course.)

Tigers
You know, the people I feel worst for are the tons of people in Pittsburgh who bought Sean Casey jerseys and t-shirts, for the whopping 60 games he played in there. Of course, when I was back for Thanksgiving last off-season, they were still trying to pawn off Matt Lawton shirts for $10, and even had a bunch of Brian Giles crap left as well. I think a store attendant told me that they don't like printing player number shirts anymore, because of how lousy they sell and how often the turnover is around there. At any rate, the person I feel second-worst for is Chris Shelton, who's been optioned down to the minors, because I always thought he looked like a perfect throwback player -- as if you'd taken a picture of the Detroit Tigers playing circa 1906, ripped out their first baseman, and plunked him down on the field in 2006, and gave him a more modern hat.

White Sox
Uhh, they DFA'ed Chris Widger and traded for Sandy Alomar. This is sort of like replacing Dan Wilson with Pat Borders. Wait a minute, I think I've heard of someone doing that before.

Twins
Back in May, with Francisco Liriano breathing down his neck, one wondered whether Kyle Lohse had somehow become the world's best sleeper HACKING MASS pick in history (as only one person had picked him -- and in Gardy's words, "It's about a 9.00 ERA and not getting people out"), when they finally sent him down to call up John Wilkes Boof -- err, I mean, Boof Bonser. At any rate, Kyle's been sent out of Minnesota more than once now; hopefully he'll have more luck in the NL than he did in the AL, except for the fact that Cincinnati's a hitter's park, so it may be a wash. In other news, Torii Hunter came back off the DL, which is sort of like the traditional late-season trade of Advil for Griffey.

Indians
I went to the gym tonight, and was lifting weights and watching Baseball Tonight. They showed the end of tonight's Indians-RedSox game, where David Ortiz launched a 3-run homer in the ninth off of Fausto Carmona. I started laughing, and someone asked me what was so funny. "Looks like Cleveland *still* has a closer problem," I remarked.

On the other hand, BIG LEAGUE CHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! And at least Hector Luna has a lot less sleazy headshot than Ronnie Belliard. In general, I sort of see the Indians' trades as basically replacing spare parts with younger spare parts.

Royals
I'm kind of pissed off because Jeremy Affeldt was going to be the Royals' representative on the All-Cute team this year. Now I'm probably going to have to go with Grudzilla or something.

Yankees
You know, normally I'd be really psyched about getting to see two of my favorite players -- Bobby Abreu and Craig Wilson -- coming to Safeco to play in a few weeks. Unfortunately, since they're showing up in Yankee pinstripes, I'm sort of torn about whether I can cheer for them. And, of course, the Yankees will undoubtedly make Craig Wilson cut his hair. I suppose he can join Randy Johnson and Sal Fasano in the Former Mulletmen of the Apocalypse. It's still sad. I've already ranted enough about the Curse of the Bobbino on here, though.

Blue Jays
I hear that some corner infielder went inSHEAne and got himself traded to the Giants, but in reality, who cares? Alex Rios is back from the DL and will be further plaguing all of my friends' HACKING MASS teams, and it's about time.

Orioles
You know, if Miguel Tejada HAD actually been traded, would they have scratched him from the lineup and broken his consecutive game streak? And would it have eliminated at least 20 minutes of material out of each Orioles broadcast as the announcers would have to come up with some other way to work Ripken into their conversation?

Devil Rays
They traded Lugo, but if I was a Rays fan, I'd be more worried about what's up with Kazmir. Hell, I'm not a Rays fan, but I had to miss Kazmir last time he was in town due to it being a 1:35pm game, and I was psyched to see him pitch next Tuesday until this hit. Sigh.

Padres
"The Padres are still looking for someone to play third base on a regular basis." I think that several of us feel that they have a perfectly good option, but we're biased. Anyway, uh, Todd Walker? Huh?

Dodgers
They did a whole bunch of trades, each of which deserves some speculation, with parts coming in from all over the place. The irony being, if you told me that Wilson Betemit was going to South California to play third base, I would have figured he was going to the Padres, not the Dodgers. Still. The big one here is that they got Greg Maddux, and the really sad part is, it's been so long since I've actually watched Maddux pitch that I'm not really sure what to say. Even if he's getting kind of old, he's still one of the greatest pitchers of this generation. And just like Jamie Moyer, he now gets to suffer the indignity of being on a pitching staff with guys who were born after he signed his first professional baseball contract.

Reds
They added Rheal Cormier to join Eddie Guardado in the "Old Lefty Club". I'll always have a soft spot for Cormier circa 2003, just like I have a soft spot for Shigetoshi Hasegawa circa 2003, but... this is probably the only Phillies-related trade that I don't hate. I'm sure there's a good "Red Pen" joke in here somewhere, but I'm getting too tired to ink it.

Brewers
Once upon a time, before he was a favorite target of the Boo Crew in Philly, David Bell was the third baseman on the Mariners when they won a bazillion games. The next year, he was traded to the Giants, where he put up a .760 OPS and the team went all the way to the World Series. The Mariners traded for Jeff Cirillo, who immediately suffered Safeco Syndrome and posted a .629 OPS, and the team started its slow spiral to where it is now, still in its search for a non-cursed third baseman. Somehow, David Bell and Jeff Cirillo are now both playing for the Brew Crew. Life is weird.

Pirates
You knew that laundry cart that Oliver Perez kicked last year was going to get its revenge eventually, and here it is. But the really funny thing here is that Roberto Hernandez went from being the oldest guy on the Pirates roster by a good 5 years to playing on the same team as Julio Franco, who's a good 5-plus years older than him. Anyway, aside from the fact that it's going to kill me to see Craig Wilson in pinstripes, the Pirates moves were actually pretty reasonable. Xavier Nady should step into the Craig Wilson role, only with more playing time; they'll need a first baseman with Casey and Wilson both gone. He'll most likely also have some starts in the outfield, especially assuming Chris Duffy continues to be a headcase. And dealing Oliver Perez could come back to bite them in the future, especially if he eventually turns into that ace everyone expects him to be someday, but for now, the Pirates are awash in young lefty starters, and Perez wasn't having much success there. Either way, as always, on the surface I don't see a problem with the moves. Down the line, who knows what may happen. Overall, the lesson to be learned is, as mentioned before: Don't ever buy a number t-shirt or jersey of a Pirates player, unless his name is Jason and his number ends in 8. (I have two Pirates player number shirts -- Kendall #18 and Bay #38.)

Mets
HA HA HA. NO ZITO FOR YOU. NEXT!

Phillies
I've already ranted about them enough. Call me when C.J.Henry turns into Kevin Stocker.

Sleep
A good idea. Why the hell am I still awake looking through the crazy trade lists?