Dear The Seattle Mariners of King Felix County:
Please, for the love of Gar and all that is Oley, get Roberto Petagine on the roster and give him the Dave Hansen Memorial Left-Handed Sockeye Salmon Seat on the bench.
Sure, I've mostly made fun of Peta for the last several years, but I'm serious now: this is the guy we need. You know why? Because he can hit a baseball with a bat. Like, even when someone hurls it at him really really fast from 60 feet 6 inches away. Oh, and get this, he can even hit the baseball really far away from him and run towards some white square thingies on the ground and get there before the other guys retrieve the baseball!
I know, I know, it sounds crazy. We like these dudes who eat grits and fight with spirits and all that stuff, and we believe in giving a second chance to those guys who pop pills as well as they pop flies. And yeah, okay, I know there's a pretty strict no-return policy on gay paleontologists, so sure, it might have been a mistake ordering one if you weren't going to save the receipt.
Yes, I'm aware that Olga Petagine is old enough to be Lisa Bloomquist's grandmother. That's not the point here. Mariners Wives don't go out and win baseball games, last time I checked, even if they do teach some of their husbands how to throw.
What wins games, in the end, is being able to get lots of your guys to run around those funny white bags more times than the opponents do. And in order to do that, they have to hit the little ball far away from the funny white bags and then run like an antelope out of control. Do you see what I'm getting at? They don't get to run around the bases unless they hit the little baseball far far away! If they swing the bat a lot and never hit the little baseball, it doesn't matter if they can run! It's so simple, isn't it?
And that is where our man Petagine comes in. I know that many things have been discovered during our short time together in this lovely mini-series called Spring Training, and there aren't that many episodes left before the finale. We have learned that our men are infact not Men of Teal, for example. We have observed that Felix is Still King. We've seen that in many cases, a pitcher IS worth a thousand words, most of which I can't repeat here because this is a family blog.
And above all, we have learned that Roberto Petagine knows how to hit a baseball.
So please, dear Mariners, I don't ask for things very often -- but I'm asking you for a bat and a roster spot for Petagine. I firmly believe that this will result in more of our guys running around the funny white bags.
Love, luck, and line drives,
Deanna the Marinerd