Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Um, like, Carl Everett and stuff

Mariners agree to terms with Everett

I've been making the joke all week that "I really only like seeing the word 'Everett' associated with the Mariners when it's immediately followed by the word 'Aquasox'".

I have to be honest about something. I know that a lot of people are griping elsewhere about how "I will not attend a game with this man on the roster", and "I'm phoning the office to complain right now", etc. However, I really don't think this signing will affect how many games I go to next year at all. I go to baseball games for love of the game, seriously -- the joy of sitting outside in nice summer weather, eating a hot dog or fish'n'chips in the pastel spray of sunset, watching the beauty of physics in action as bat hits ball hits glove, cheering for beautiful drives and plays, and just basking in that world where nothing matters but 90 feet to first base, 3 strikes and you're out, 3 outs and you're done. Sometimes I pick and choose my favorite and least favorite players and teams for semi-random reasons, which may be infuriating to some people, but hey, I never said any of *you* have to adore the likes of Scot Shields or Eric Byrnes, now did I?

I realize Carl Everett is a basket case who has done some pretty awful things in the past, and it's true, I have absolutely no desire to meet the guy, unlike many other baseball players who I think it'd be fun to just get to say hello to and chat with and shake their hand. As such, though, his presence on the Mariners doesn't really affect me personally. The only way he could is if, for example, he actually punched me in the nose or started mouthing off at me at the stadium -- and both of those would immediately result in my filing a complaint against the Mariners, with plenty of witnesses.

Yes, a man who has been convicted of child neglect or whatever is not exactly the sort of man you want around your children. Thing is, will he even be around your children? Many players I've observed in batting and fielding practice don't even come anywhere near the stands; the ones that do are the ones who really do like children and fans, and there are enough of them to offset the ones that don't. Sure, there's a chance Everett could end up swearing up a storm or crotch-grabbing or whatnot on the field, which may be vaguely near your kids, but that's what umpires are there for -- to throw guys like that out of the game. Or Bavasi and the "family-friendly police" will take some sort of disciplinary action. Your children will see that acting inappropriately gets you smacked down, no matter how old you are.

If Everett acts like a jackass at Safeco Field, he will be dealt with, one way or another. If Everett acts like a jackass in his own home, that's unfortunate, but it's actually none of our business.

Okay, so then there's his performance as a player. If he hits well, we luck out. If he's a mediocre hitter, we don't luck out, but at worst he'll be another switch-hitting bench bat like Spiezio. Yes, it was embarrassing to explain to my friends from out of town why we had a guy DHing who was hitting .053 last year. At worst, yes, this is a waste of 3 million dollars. I honestly do believe he'll perform at least well enough to be a reasonable if overpaid bench player, though, and at best, to play OF and DH for us in 100 or more games. It's a poor signing, sure, but it's not the end of the world.

So in other words, the Marinerds take on this signing is: I don't care! There are much better things out there to waste my energy on! For example, dear Santa Boras, won't you please give me a Kevin Millwood for Christmas? I've been a very, very good girl this year, I swear! I would take very very good care of him and give him run support every day. I promise!

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