Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Dodgers and Dragons, Part 2: Improved Unarmed Strike

Sunday, July 8th. Mariners 7, Athletics 3. Continued from part 1... kind of.

"It's really nice of you to take over running the campaign from Grover, Mac," Willie was saying as he grabbed the bag of chips. "He never let my character come along for any of the good adventure hooks."

"That's because Bloomquist of Bremerton isn't actually USEFUL for any of the good adventure hooks," muttered Richie.

"Anyway, where were we?" asked Jason. "I think I was, you know, kicking ass and taking names?"

"Sadly, Friar Feierabend fell to -10 hit points a few rounds ago," replied McLaren. "So he's out of the campaign for a few days until you find someone who can cast Raise Dead. Let's see... right, you guys are still fighting the evil demon Cupcakes, Destroyer of Worlds."

Willie giggled. "I'm so glad we've levelled up to the point that this thing isn't hard to beat anymore. Remember those sessions last year when he totally owned our party?"

Jose nodded. "Lopez Lightbringer has such a big bonus to his sneak attack damage now that he just waits for the right moment to strike big rather than trying to chip away."

"Yeah, that was a nice shot you got off against him earlier, dude," said Jason. "Was that for full damage?"

"I think so. He's probably getting low by now, a couple nice cuts should finish him off."

Jason picked up the dice and rolled. "I know I've been rolling really well today," he said, looking at the result. "Good thing I've got that +2 Mace of Demon-Slaying! I just barely hit again."

Ichiro nodded. "My wizard casts Scorching Ray and sends one out to the right."

Jose took a d20 out of his bag. "I'm going to try to sneak attack again, okay?" he said. "Hmm... I succeeded on the hit, but I rolled really horrible for damage. How's the Cupcakes Demon looking? Not dead yet? Still hurling white spheres at us?"

McLaren looked at the notes behind the screen, and grimaced. "I can't say anything," he replied, "but you have definitely pissed it off."

Raul pondered this for a minute. "Okay," he agreed, "I'm going to try a Power Attack for 3 points. That should take it out."

"Roll it."

The die landed on the table. "YES!!!!" shouted the whole party. "Nice hit, Raul!"

MacLaren rolled some dice behind his screen and scribbled a few things down. "I have good news and bad news for you guys. The good news is, you've disarmed the Cupcakes Demon's supernatural powers..."

"...the bad news is?"

"The bad news is that it's charged down in a blind rage and is attempting to engage the party in unarmed combat. He shoves Ichiro's wizard for," he paused to roll, "2 points of damage."

Jason stood up and banged his fists down on the table. "No way," he said. "No. Way. Ellison Elvenmoon does NOT take that sort of shit from anyone, even overweight puddles of green and gold goo. I shove it back."

"Nice, dude!" said Richie. "I totally back you up here!"

"Cupcakes is summoning help," said McLaren, "and a whole horde of green and gold goblins appear and come to his aid." He rolled some dice. "He also shoves back Ellison but does no significant damage."

"Bah. I'm not afraid of him. I shove his ass."

"Uh, okay, you get a bonus to hit for the size modifier when a Small creature attacks a Large creature, but you take a penalty for the unarmed attack..."

"I attack a goblin too!"

"Yeah, me too!"

"I've got improved unarmed strike! Let me smack it!"

"What do you mean I'm small?"

"When's it my turn to hit? Sexson Stormblade wants to mash!"

"Guys, guys," said McLaren, "Settle down. I can't run this game if you're all jumping all over the place at once."

"But I swung my fists at the--"

"I wanted to attack a--"

"AAAACK SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP." McLaren stood up. "An Umpire Spawn materializes and casts Mass Domination on the entire melee. He points a Finger of Death at Cupcakes, who immediately falls over, and is carried off the battlefield by the green and gold goblins. Meanwhile, you all need to make a will save or also immediately start walking off the battlefield."

"What? That's so unfair."

"Will save. Now. Also, the Umpire is starting to point at Ichiro's wizard."

"Uh, crap, we can't have Ichiro die," said Richie, as the whole group failed to make their saving throws. "Can't you do something about that?"

"Well, okay, I guess it'd be really bad for the campaign storyline for that to happen. How about Batista the Brainy? He's pretty useless."

"WHAT?" said Miguel.

"Yeah, sounds good!" replied Willie.

"Okay, so Miguel dies, and the party is victorious. I'll total up your XP and give you numbers next time we play. How's Thursday for you guys? Can everyone make it?"

"Yeah, I think so," said Richie. "It's back at your house, right? Who's bringing the chips and salsa?"

"I'm pretty sure it's Felix's turn," said Jose.

"Someone tell him to bring some mild stuff to go with the hot chipotle, okay?"

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