Thursday, October 27, 2005

The Postseason, All-Cute List Style

I have a lot of things I want to write about, but in addition to spending most of my waking hours either watching baseball games or working the last few days, I haven't had time to really sit down and make words form in my brain (well, that is, words that don't have to do with Perl or TACL or obscure antiquated version control systems). So, here's another fluff post! Yay! Needless to say, I'm happy that my overall predictions all came to pass, what with CHI-cago and CHI-ba winning their respective series, even if the Cards didn't manage to take the NL.

It must be said that no matter what Bat-Girl might think of Joe Crede's butt, Crede was definitely *my* boyfriend of the postseason. It got me to thinking, if I was going to make the rest of my postseason all-cute team, who would be on it?

The really weird part here is that in the middle of typing this up, I checked my email and I had a message from Conor Glassey, who went off and made his own All-Ugly Team. I am NOT making this up. Isn't that bizarre?

So, for the Postseason All-Cute team, I decided on a few rules. First, I had to include someone from every team that made it to the postseason in a list here. Second, I couldn't include anyone that was on my original all-cute team, which took out a few prime candidates. Third, I also decided that Ezequiel Astacio warranted a corrolary All-Ugly list, although I only came up with three people offhand to go on it. And I SWEAR I thought that part up before getting the email from Conor. Like I said, it was freaky.

By the way, all jokes aside, this is my favorite postseason photo EVER. Holy Flying Erstads, Batman!



RHP Jon Garland, Chicago White Sox
LHP Andy Pettitte, Houston Astros

RHP Kevin Gregg, Anaheim Angels
LHP Neal Cotts, Chicago White Sox
RHP Brad Lidge, Houston Astros

Today's selection of main course attractive starting pitchers is coming from your "Tall, Dark, and Handsome" menu. Today's side course relievers are coming from your "I wished they'd pitched more because I really like to stare at them on TV" menu, and our dessert menu of closers is rather small today. Would you like us to tell you about our specials?

Of course, I feel a little bad for Brad Lidge. He didn't smile nearly enough in this postseason. It's no shame to give up a homer to Pujols that way, but to Podsy-wodsy? Awww. I kind of picked Lidge because most of the other closers in the postseason are pretty funny-looking, including Bobby "The big and fat guy" Jenks.

Position Players


C Jason Varitek, Boston Red Sox
1B Adam LaRoche, Atlanta Braves
2B Mark Grudzielanek, St. Louis Cardinals
3B Joe Crede, Chicago White Sox
SS Adam Everett, Houston Astros
DH Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals

I had to forego Varitek for my all-cute team before because Joe Mauer trumped everyone, so Varitek is finally out here, although I have to admit Brad Ausmus was growing on me by the end of the series, and A.J.Pierzynski is awfully attractive, with sparkling eyes and a devious smile, except he's an asshat, plus I would never think of stealing BG's ex-boyfriend.

Adam LaRoche reminds me of some movie character, but I honestly truly can't place which. Either way, he's cute. Grudzilla... Grudzilla is awfully cute, although he's not as cute as he used to be. I debated between either him or Biggio, but really, it'd have to be "Biggio circa 1992", which is sort of cheating. Adam Everett sort of came from the same place as Lidge, the "well, the other options kind of suck" field. Though to be fair, Everett is a cute guy with a nice smile, it's not like I'm picking frickin' Rafael Furcal or something.

I really wanted to include Pujols in this list, because he actually is pretty damn good-looking, and I didn't write a whole parody poem about him for nothing. Technically, the Cards were never in a DH situation during this postseason, but I had picked LaRoche for 1B first, and well, really, we'll mostly remember Pujols's hitting over his fielding in this postseason, right?

And then there's Joe Crede. Shoeless Joe from Jefferson, MO. I dunno, maybe it's Eric Byrnes syndrome here -- the tall guy with blonde hair flying back, wearing his socks high, hustling and giving it all he's got, a flair for dramatic plays and hits... does it matter? Besides, anyone who tackles Darin Erstad has to be hot.


Jeff Francoeur, Atlanta Braves
Scott Podsednik, Chicago White Sox
Dave Roberts, San Diego Padres

I'm not just taking Anne's comments into consideration here -- after watching more games on TV I had to admit that Jeff Francoeur IS an awfully cute kid. His headshot really doesn't do him justice. And the same goes for Podsednik. I mean, I think he's cute in the same way I think Garland, Pettitte, Mussina, etc are cute. Whether or not the guy's overrated doesn't matter for whether or not he's darkly cute. And then there's Dave Roberts, who I thought was cute last year when he was on the Red Sox, and I needed someone on the Padres, and it was between him and Adam Eaton, and then I realized Eaton didn't trump Garland. Dave Roberts is cute anyway. I must admit that so is Xavier Nady, but I'm a little more familiar with Roberts.



Manager Ozzie Guillen, Chicago White Sox
Coach Jim Hickey, Houston Astros

Ozzie Guillen won over my heart when he kept motioning for his pitchers with big arm motions, like the wide-and-tall motion for Bobby Jenks, or the skinny-and-goatee motion for Dustin Hermanson. Also, it's so funny how he basically uses the word "Venezuela!" to mean "I rule, and I don't feel like talking to you anymore." And well, um, Jim Hickey... heh. The Fox announcers kept having interviews with him (mostly to the effect of "So, what's up with Clemens?" and him going "Uh, I have no idea?") and I kept thinking, "Damn, he's cute. That guy's a coach? He can't possibly be over 40."

Japan Playoffs/Series


Chiba Lotte Marines: RHP Shunsuke Watanabe
Hanshin Tigers: 3B Makoto Imaoka
Fukuoka Softbank Hawks: C Naoki Matoba
Seibu Lions: SS Hiroyuki Nakajima

I really just wanted to point out that Watanabe is not only an amazing submarine pitcher, but he's also really adorable. And I was torn between Hamanaka and Imaoka as the cutest guy on the Tigers, but... long-standing loyalty to Imaoka compels me. I mean, I even have an Imaoka jersey. He's really cute when he smiles. I feel really terrible for Naoki Matoba. Filling the shoes of Kenji Johjima if he leaves is going to be nearly impossible. Nakajima I picked because I would have felt a little guilty picking Alex Cabrera, plus he has a nice smile.

Ugliest Guys in the Playoffs

Randy Johnson, New York Yankees
Julian Tavarez, St. Louis Cardinals
Ezequiel Astacio, Houston Astros

Does this category even need explanation? The worst part is, they're all smiling in their headshots, so you can't possibly appreciate how ugly they actually are. Fortunately, Astacio at least had the convenient action shot so you can really see his face. Julian Tavarez makes me flinch when I see him, though. And well, Randy Johnson isn't the Big Ugly for nothing, right?

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