Top ten Reasons The Mariners Should Re-sign Jamie Moyer:
10. Moyer magic doesn’t work so well when other pitchers click their heels and say "There’s no place like home"
9. He’s fun to watch. Seeing guys strike out on a whopping 81 mph fastball is just funny.
8. Is the only guy on the staff who can tell Felix, “I’ve been pitching professionally since before you were born!”
7. They’d lose out on the big tear-jerker retirement party a la Edgar, Dan, etc.
6. It would really suck if he continued his crazy winning streak in Safeco… while playing for some other team.
5. "Ancient Mariner" title would fall to Eddie Guardado
4. Moyer banner at front of Safeco Field would have to be replaced with Richie Sexson, which would make Ichiro look even smaller
3. The Mariners would no longer have the novelty of having both the oldest and youngest player in the league
2. Mariners Wives charity organization would have to deal with the crushing loss of both Karen Moyer and Annie Wilson in the same year
1. Mariner Moose would have to find a new roomate
Top Ten Reasons the Phillies should re-sign Billy Wagner:
10. Phillies fans would have to boo someone else for throwing under 100 mph
9. He has a stronger farm system at home in rural Virginia than the entire Phillies minor league organization
8. Since he's really right-handed, he can sign stuff for kids all the time without using his throwing hand
7. Embraces "unlucky" number 13 on his uniform
6. If he doesn't get to play in a World Series soon, he's going to undoubtedly go insane in the bullpen one day and kill someone, which might take care of Rheal Cormier
5. Should the Mets snag him, the Phillies might be tempted to sign Braden Looper, and that would suck
4. Only guy besides Mariano Rivera who can *really* pull off using "Enter Sandman" as his song
3. With Larry Bowa gone, someone's got to shoot off their mouth all the time
2. He was responsible for getting Ezequiel Astacio's ugly mug out of the Phillies system
1. Alpacas are really, really cute